Tension

It’s not long now ’til I leave for university and the feeling of tension & excitement are really growing. I have just one more shift to work tomorrow before I take the week off to dog sit, then I come back for a miserable Friday and Saturday late shift before I can finally say I am free of that place.

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The house has been signed for, the results have been sent in and my final loan amount has been confirmed. I never thought I would get this far down the line so I have actually impressed myself.

The more I excite myself for the next step and the glory of leaving my workplace, the more I forget about everything important I am leaving behind. Friends, family, memories of a happy childhood – this town holds a lot for me and I will be sad to leave it. The beautiful rivers and forested walkways, the glowing orange of the parks in the autumn.

I don’t know what I really think about it, I just seem to be doing it. It’s better that way, the more I think about the consequences and the possible negatives the more I’m going to look for a way out. Who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in a year’s time…

One things for sure though, I’m gunna miss my boy.

L x

University stuff.

I’ve been preparing for university for 2 months now and despite signing the tenancy agreement at the new gaff, I’ve yet to tell my coworkers and friends that I am actually leaving.

Of course, this whole thing has come around and bit me on the arse because I am now gaining more and more respect and responsibility at work and finding it harder and harder to decide when I’m going to hand my notice in. The more I say yes and continue to pretend to be the perfect employee, the more trusted I become.

I feel like I’m caught because I need to keep up the pretence in order to get the hours so I can afford uni and if I say I’m leaving they’ll strip my extra hours away from me. If I continue to keep it to myself I’ll find it even harder to leave on good terms in a few months time. There’s always a chance that university will fall through and I would need to return to my hometown and ask for my job back…. I can’t do that if they all hate me for abandoning them at the drop of a hat.

I am struggling a bit with saving and planning my finances too. I have worked out that I can save just enough to pay my first rental payment in June, but that will be all of my savings for university gone before I’ve even got there… Also, I have to pay off my phone so that I can afford to pay my monthly contract payments while I am there… that’s another £600 I have to pull out my ass.

Does anyone have any ideas as to how I could make any extra money around a full time job? I briefly thought about the whole selling-your-pants-online thing, sounds interesting but the ones I looked at said you have to pay a subscription fee to sign up. Anyone have any other ideas? I absolutely hate things like Kleeneze and all those other stupid pyramid scheme sales roles.

L x

New Chapter. 

Further to my last post, I have actually applied and been unconditionally accepted into university! I am absolutely over the moon.


After my previous post where I explained my anxiety towards leaving my lover behind and being so far away from him, I decided that I should just go ahead and apply anyway.

I received 3 unconditional offers! I was absolutely gobsmacked. So I will be leaving this crappy town in the summer and beginning a new chapter in my life. 

Of course I am still terribly worried about how my relationship will fair but I can’t continue to live my life being terrified of all consequence. Everything happens for a reason and it all works out fine in the end. I mean, I’ve been through some shit in my life and always thought it was the worst thing in the world. But I’m still here and I’m over all of those experiences. 

You’ve got to remember that your heart will still be beating in the morning, and your mum will still be asking after you, and your cat will still talk to you when you get up for coffee in the morning… life continues. All the risks and hardships in life teach you that your one strong independent little lady and you don’t need no ones help anyways. 

Watch this space. I plan to do a lot of blogging when I get to uni as a way of expressing my thoughts and feelings. I don’t wanna keep things bottled up and dwell on them, and I also want to publicly share my experiences with all of you. 

Motivated

Do you ever wake up in the morning and your just super super motivated? The, “I want to travel around South America all summer,” or, “I need to go back to school and see some of the world!”

I love this feeling, it breaks up the monotony of depression and lack of emphasis around the subject of my life and future. But it also disappoints me as I know these are all things I can’t do. 

My plan is to earn well and move out with my partner and start life as a grown up. I feel like I don’t have time for quitting jobs and seeking enrichment in the form of travel or education. This is of course untrue, I could do all of those things and allow myself to grow up a bit before I start a family and get stuck in a dead end job. But I’m just too flimsy to make that choice.

Last time I decided to go to school and then go to uni I got through the school bit and then realised I couldn’t do any more because I didn’t have my maths gcse! That’s literally the only thing that’s stopped me. So I guess I should go ahead and do that and then try again.

I have this urge though, this need to move away for uni to a big city and see what life is like once you escape this hole in the dirt. London would be perfect but as we know, student finance fucking sucks and I can’t afford to keep myself alive there. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on MY future and not mine and J’s collective future. 

#foodforthought 

Inside my Depression

I haven’t ever spoken about my depression on a social media platform. I feel like I should share the mess inside my head in case someone out there goes “hey, maybe I should speak to someone too…” Because seeking help is the best thing you can ever do. It doesn’t have to be a doctor, confide in someone. A brother or a sister, a partner or a parent. Talking helps. Sometimes the people who love you are just as scared as you are; they don’t want to say anything to upset you.

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Sometimes I just don’t know what to start writing with. There’s like this ball of shit just swirling around in-between my ears and getting in the way of my eyes and if I tried to focus on any one strand of scribble it would just evaporate and disappear. I can’t actually tell you what it’s even made of, it’s just all splat.

Sometimes it’s not bad splat though, sometimes it’s pink and fluffy. It’s warm and filling and makes my dreams flow beautifully. Its tubby custard or krabby patties. It’s the big notebook from Blue’s Clues and the straggly hair on Angelica’s Cynthia doll. It’s all of the things that made you feel as good as you did when you were a child because that’s when your brain was on your side. Before it learned how to cripple you and make you sick.

Most days I am okay, but I’ve had a long time of not being okay. Time just seems to drain into this routine of sleeping and applying your war paint for work. Some days I struggled even to do that. But I have this need to be a normal person, like, earning money and saving up and paying my way in life. I think that’s truly the only reason I’ve managed to get this far without my little friend being picked up on. No one ever told me they thought I could be depressed. In fact, the only person who actually agreed with the doctor had a little friend of their own.

I have suffered for years in silence, please don’t do it to yourselves.

(c) Mrs Nancy Ridehalgh (donor)?; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

 

 

Oxford Street Christmas Shopping 

Today we have been to Oxford Street to take in the lights and shop shop shop.


Oxford Street was busy, wet and exhausting. We walked and walked, constantly stumbling upon shops we needed to go into. It was fabulous. I walked around Selfridges looking like a drowned rat, admiring the most gorgeous of clothes and shoes. If only I had a spare £100 to spend on the littlest of all bras. 


My family and I took on oxford street like bosses. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Ridiculously, we spent the most money in the stores that we could have visited at home! But I guess spending £150 on Vans in Norwich doesn’t have quite the same ring as, “I spent £150 on Vans in Soho.


Visiting London isn’t something that people tend to do very often in my neck of the woods. You see, although London is easily accessible via trains and buses, and only an hours drive from Epping tube station, people round here just don’t have the money. They either go to London to see their Uncle Dwain fresh out of a 3 year stint in the can (googled that, like it.) or they’ve got a flight to Benidorm out of Gatwick. Which looks mint on the telly, wouldn’t mind going there myself! 


We have family in the area and a little crush on the London rush. We want the city life oh so badly. 

I can safely say we had one of the best trips yet, even though it rained the whole time and someone pulled my hair with their brolly spikes. 

Oh and the food, the glorious food. I had a seafood linguine and it was absolutely divine

University qualms

Soon I shall be going away to university and leaving behind my precious family and friends. Although everyone is very supportive of me going, I fear terribly that my relationship may break down.

Leaving for university and having the conversation about what might happen to us has been avoided for five months – up until last night. Although I had tried to approach the subject before he would just shut down and palm me off with some reassuring speech on how I’ll see him on the weekends. Oh, and there is Skype of course. But that doesn’t really tick all of the boxes from my list of fears or indeed calm me down even an inch on the matter.

What happens when I am not around anymore? Who does he speak to and comfort himself with when I’m miles away? Skype and texting doesn’t really cut it after four years of a very passionate and close relationship.

The hardest part is knowing I’m going to be completely alone. Where he will have friends and family beside him and his familiars, I will be in a tiny room in a flat somewhere surrounded by complete strangers with no one to comfort me. The idea of leaving home for university is genuinely terrifying and I have to keep telling myself I can do it every day. I can’t imagine how I would cope if I got to university and then he left me. This is all very selfish of me, I shouldn’t be so consumed with my own fear but I really can’t shake the dread.

I don’t want him to worry about me because at the end of the day I have made the decision to go and I will make friends and gain confidence.

I just don’t want to lose the love of my life.

Has anyone got any experience with this? If so I would love to hear how things went for you (positive or negative). Leave me a comment.

Olivia ❤

Jessica Jones; Reviewed.

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Jessica Jones, the “bad bitch” main character of the new self titled Netflix original series. If superpowers, sex and attitude is what you’re into, Jessie’s you’re lady.

Kristen Ritter stars as our main lady in a power packed show starring the familiar faces of David Tennant (the doctor) and Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix).

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– Kristen Ritter

Having super human strength and suffering from flash backs of a childhood without her family, Jessie takes to drinking and working as a Personal Investigator from her dingey downtown flat. One job after another she finds herself caught back up in a world of sh*t and this time she can’t run away. Protecting her loved ones, fighting off evil and facing her fears, you will be gripped watching her stumble and drink her way through each episode.

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– this man does not need introducing

An absolute must watch, if you like fast paced action and a gripping story line you’ll love this show. Originally Jessica’s story was written as a comic and the show is based upon that story.

Olivia ❤

College Girl

After four years of grafting at dead end jobs and feeling a little bit lost I have decided to go back to college. Through this i hope to achieve the grades to go into Veterinary Care and become a fully qualified vet.

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Life is made up of a group of decisions and it’s our call as to whether they are good decisions or bad decisions. Don’t allow a bad decision to set you into a life you don’t want to lead, you have the ability to change the course of your life at every turn. Regret is a horrible thing, don’t allow yourself to become trapped just because you think your life has been set.
My whole family believed that I was set to live a life of working on and off for crappy companies. I actually believe that my current job gave me the skills and drive I needed to take this step forward in my life and for that I will be forever grateful.

I’d like to hear from anyone who is doing an Access course, applying for uni or those who may already be in uni. It would be nice to hear everyone’s stories regarding higher and further education.

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Olivia ❤